Dirtbag Winterreise
“more like suck-blick”
Previously in Dirtbag Music History: Dichterliebe. All due conceptual credit to Daniel M. Lavery and The Toast (rip).
SCHUBERT: come to Schober’s
i’ve written a cycle of horrifying songs
FRIEND: horrifying like “spooky”?
SCHUBERT: horrifying like emotionally “radioactive”
a guy who makes one (1) bad romantic decision and then weaponizes the weather about it.
it’ll permanently ruin your serotonin.
FRIEND: why would i want that?
SCHUBERT: i require feedback.
FRIEND: …
SCHUBERT: bring wine.
I. “Gute Nacht”
WANDERER [puffs on a vape]: showed up in town like “hi I’m depressed”
leaving town like “hi I’m even more depressed.”
MOM: you two are adorable, have you considered marriage?
WANDERER: wow this is going surprisingly well for once. maybe life isn’t—
GIRL: anyway i’m actually marrying someone else lol
WANDERER:
WANDERER:
WANDERER: cool cool cool
love that for you
love that for me
love that for the snow which is now my only remaining support system
WANDERER [peeing in the snow]: “gute nacht”
yeah…
she’s gonna see this
and know it was me.
Bitch.
II. “Die Wetterfahne”
WANDERER: this spinning piece of metal
has the EXACT same energy as her family.
fake. flimsy.
changes direction every time someone richer walks by.
WEATHERVANE: I literally spin because of physics.
WANDERER: wow okay rub it in
III. “Gefrorne Tränen”
WANDERER: are these tears??
did my face just… leak???
ew.
WANDERER: wait, why did my tears freeze?
probably because she hates me
GIRL: yeah see this is why i didn’t want to marry you
IV. “Erstarrung”
WANDERER: i can’t find her footprints in the snow
which is wild
because I literally keep circling her house like a depressed Roomba
WANDERER: where can i find a flower?
where can i find the green grass?
GIRL: the fact that you do not understand how winter works is becoming increasingly concerning to me
WANDERER: 👉🏼 👈🏼 what if i just
fucked the snow
until i could find the ground she walked on six months ago
GIRL: and yet I’m the villain in this song cycle
V. “Der Lindenbaum”
SCHUBERT: listen, if I want to dump twelve metric tonnes of emotional devastation onto a single piece of foliage,
that’s between me and god.
MÜLLER: uh… it’s literally just a tree.
SCHUBERT: okay Bob Ross
MÜLLER: i’m just saying
it sounds excessive
SCHUBERT: so does writing two dozen poems about one breakup
MÜLLER:
SCHUBERT: but here we are
LINDEN TREE: hey king
wanna come die under my branches?:)
WANDERER: honestly? best offer I’ve had all week.
SCHUBERT: this song slaps so hard
like “walk into the river but make it a vibe” slaps.
VI. “Wasserflut”
WANDERER: stg the snow is melting from the pure heat of my emotional instability
which is all her fault.
she is 100% the cause of climate change.
WANDERER: oh look a stream
I bet it runs past her house
i bet if i cry into it my tears will glow like uranium outside her window
STREAM: please stop using me as a DoorDash for your feelings
WANDERER: TAKE MY SADNESS TO HER HOUSE OR I WILL GIVE YOU A ONE-STAR RATING
VII. “Auf dem Flusse”
WANDERER: this river used to flow so happy and clear
now it doesn’t move
RIVER: seriously is this your first winter on earth
WANDERER [scratching her name into the ice with a stick]: literally vandalizing nature just to leave her a message she’ll never see
peak productivity
RIVER: please go home.
VIII. “Rückblick”
WANDERER: remember when everything was warm and happy?
yeah me neither
memory is a scam.
WANDERER: anyway i sprinted out of that village
like a Biedermeier Sonic the Hedgehog
just to relive the worst day of my life.
fun!
IX. “Irrlicht”
WILL O’ THE WISP: [flickers]
WANDERER: yes take me home little demon
WILL O’ THE WISP: bestie i am literally a hallucination
WANDERER: don’t care
WILL O’ THE WISP: [leads him into a ditch]
WANDERER: he understands me <3
X. “Rast”
WANDERER: oh look, a charcoal-burner’s house
i wonder if i can sleep here tonight
CHARCOAL-BURNER: oh, you’re staying? amazing! quick heads-up: check-in is 6:30–6:40pm only, no pets, no fires in the living room, cleaning fee extra, ash disposal fee extra, you must provide your own kindling, fee for byo kindling extra, no songs in minor keys, and please leave a 5-star review on departure.
WANDERER: I took a break from being miserable
and all that happened is i got MORE miserable???
LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE: shocking.
XI. “Frühlingstraum”
WANDERER: no seriously you think it’s so funny that i saw flowers in winter
like oh let’s make fun of the guy who took a risk and put himself out there romantically.
WANDERER: dreamt it was spring
dreamt it was warm and the leaves were all green
dreamt that she still loved me
woke up in a freezing shed surrounded by icicles and bad decisions
RAVENS: lol look at this guy
WANDERER: I HOPE YOU ALL GET EATEN BY A CAT
GIRL [drawing a dick on the sleeping Wanderer’s face]: i read your dream journal
you’re not my boyfriend
XII. “Einsamkeit”
WANDERER: i wander lonely as a dark cloud in the sky
FIR TREES: yeah man
we noticed
WANDERER: good news:
i’m alone
bad news:
i’m alone
more bad news:
i’m me.
send tweet.
WANDERER: i wasn’t half so wretched when the storms still raged
STORMS: nah man
you were worse
SCHUBERT: welp that’s the last song
Winterreise done ✅
MÜLLER: actually
that was Part One
SCHUBERT: what do you mean Part One
MÜLLER: i wrote 12 more poems, each one bleaker than reading Schopenhauer at 3am
SCHUBERT: incredible.
hand them over immediately.
XIII. “Die Post”
POSTMAN: [just doing his job]
WANDERER: OH MY GOD MAYBE SHE SENT ME SOMETHING???
POSTMAN: she did not
unless you count “return to sender: grow up” as something
WANDERER: you just came from her town, right?
how is everything there?
POSTMAN: fine?
WANDERER: did she—
POSTMAN: —she did not say anything about you
WANDERER:
POSTMAN: bro, she addressed her dog’s heartworm medicine more lovingly than your entire existence
XIV. “Der greise Kopf”
WANDERER: [sees frost in hair]
WANDERER: thank god
i’m OLD. now i can finally die.
FROST: [melts]
WANDERER: are you fucking kidding me
XV. “Die Krähe”
CROW: [circles overhead]
WANDERER: my only friend 💕
CROW: i am literally waiting for you to die
WANDERER: crow
WANDERER: crow
WANDERER: CROW
CROW: jesus what
WANDERER: nothing
just wanted to make sure you were still there
CROW: this is why she dumped you
XVI. “Letzte Hoffnung”
WANDERER: oh look a leaf
i’m going to pin all of my hopes and self-worth on it
LEAF: [falls]
WANDERER: why does this keep happening
XVII. “Im Dorfe”
WANDERER: look at this stupid town
full idiots having cozy dreams about stuff they don’t even own
bunch of fuckin phonies
DOGS: SHUT THE HELL UP
WANDERER: dreams are fascist.
WANDERER: “oooh look at me, i have a functioning circadian rhythm!”
get fucked.
WANDERER: and your little dogs, too
XVIII. “Der stürmische Morgen”
WEATHER: [is violently unstable]
WANDERER: so true bestie
WANDERER: [faceplants in the snow]
WANDERER: this is just like faceplanting in my own heart
CROW: is he always like this?
GIRL: ugh
yes
XVIX. “Täuschung”
LIGHT: hey hot stuff, want happiness?
WANDERER: oh hell yeah
LIGHT: lol psych
keep walking, loser
XX. “Der Wegweiser”
WANDERER: why do i always choose literally the hardest possible route?
GIRL: because you’re emotionally speedrunning despair
WANDERER: everyone else seems to know where they’re going
GIRL: yeah…
[exhales cigarette smoke into the shape of a dick]
GIRL: they read the signs
WANDERER: i haven’t even done anything wrong!
why do i need to shun mankind?
why does mankind shun me?
[GIRL makes j/o motion]
WANDERER: what’s down this road?
SIGNPOST: literally nothing. enjoy!
XXI. “Das Wirtshaus”
WANDERER: oh cool
a graveyard
finally a place to rest
GRAVES: ew, pass
WANDERER: literally does anyone want me
WANDERER: i’m fatally wounded i belong here
GRAVES: king, you got dumped by a situationship
XXII. “Mut!”
WANDERER: fuck it
i’m just gonna keep going
YOU CAN’T STOP ME
I’M INVINCIBLE
GIRL: is he hallucinating the whole forest
SCHUBERT: yes.
WANDERER: i’m FINE
and everything is FINE
and if i say it loud enough it becomes TRUE
XXIII. “Die Nebensonnen”
WANDERER: why are there three suns
SUN 1: we’re not all real king, you’re just dehydrated
SUN 2: also heartbroken
SUN 3: also stupid
WANDERER: i’ve only ever loved ONE sun!
SUN 1: awwww
SUN 2: kind of awkward that she didn’t love you back
SUN 3: we’re literally optical illusions, bro. get help.
WANDERER: wait i thought there were three suns but now two of you are fading
SUN 2: yeah, we’re ghosting you
just like she did
SUN 3: enjoy the rest of your grief hike!
SCHUBERT [composing on his deathbed]: i’m seeing the light
FRIEND: is it heaven??
SCHUBERT: no, just three suns again.
someone get the wanderer
he’ll fucking love this
XXIV. “Der Leiermann”
WANDERER: bro you good
LEIERMANN: i haven’t felt my feet since 1823
WANDERER: why are you barefoot
LEIERMANN: shoes are a construct
WANDERER: so is society
LEIERMANN: hell yeah brother
WANDERER: why are you playing that cursed crank machine
LEIERMANN: it’s not a phase
WANDERER: is anything
LEIERMANN: exactly
the acoustics hit different when you’re courting death
WANDERER: respect
LEIERMANN: wanna hit this rail with me after my dirge
WANDERER: what if we
and hear me out
made this even sadder
LEIERMANN: bold proposal
I accept.
FERDINAND SCHUBERT [at his brother’s deathbed]: do you want a priest
SCHUBERT: no
i want better lighting
and for someone to tell Beethoven that i died hotter
FERDINAND SCHUBERT: Beethoven is already dead
SCHUBERT: yeah
but i want him to KNOW that i went out
like the patron saint of unmedicated art gays
SCHUBERT: let’s go out
FERDINAND SCHUBERT: bro
you’re literally dying
SCHUBERT [wiping off his cunty little spectacles]: i know
I want to go haunt the Ringstrasse
like a short-king phantom in a bad mood
with a melody that will ruin everyone’s week
LEIERMANN: sick bro
i’m in
CROW: lets fuckin gooooooo
Tbh the Wanderer is such a Tenor(TM) personality that I prefer this cycle with Bostridge XD
"MÜLLER: i wrote 12 more poems, each one bleaker than reading Schopenhauer at 3am
SCHUBERT: incredible.
hand them over immediately."
Loved this part :)