Dirtbag Wagner
"More like Blow-engrin."
What if the real dirtbags were the swans we fought along the way?
Previously in the Dirtbag Music History series: Dirtbag Puccini. And conceptual credit, as always, to Daniel M. Lavery and The Toast (rip).
Der fliegende Holländer (1843)
STEERSMAN: ah dear south wind blow harder
my sweetheart longs for me!
DALAND: hahah… “blow”
DUTCHMAN: hahah… “harder”
WAGNER: hahah… “long”
DUTCHMAN: i have been cursed to roam the seas forever
a pitiless fate pursues me
torment is my only companion
DALAND: that sucks, dude
but you’re really rich
want to marry my daughter?
DUTCHMAN: …go on
DUTCHMAN: could this woman be my angel?
shall i still cling to hope amid such torment?
dare i cherish the idle fantasy that an angel may pity me?
DALAND: do you have enough gold that i could fill a room in my house with it
and dive into it like Scrooge McDuck?
MARY: naughty Senta, if you don’t keep working at your spinning wheel
you won’t get any gift from your sweetheart
SENTA [drags on a cigarette]: you’re not my mom
MARY: do you want to waste your whole life
dreaming in front of that portrait?
SENTA [blows smoke in MARY’s face]: beats whatever the fuck this Rumplestiltskin shit is
VILLAGE MAIDENS: hum and buzz good wheel, spin and gaily turn!
spin out a thousand threads, good wheel…
SENTA: stg if you keep singing that song I will jump off of the nearest fjord
ERIK: that picture again??
SENTA: what about it
ERIK: it’s creepy and you stare at it all the time
SENTA: i just think he’s neat
ERIK: doesn’t my anguish mean more to you??
SENTA: lol no
[SENTA lights a match off of ERIK’s forehead]
you’re not my boyfriend
[ERIK draws a dick on the portrait of the DUTCHMAN]
SENTA & DUTCHMAN: [haunted silence]
[DALAND’s phone rings]
DALAND’S RINGTONE: is somebody gonna match my freak?
is somebody gonna match my freak?
DALAND: sorry to interrupt whatever this is
but the villagers want to party
sooooo
wedding or nah?
SENTA & DUTCHMAN: [unhinged staring]
DALAND: cool cool cool
gonna take that as a yes
DALAND’S CREW: wake up, Dutch crew!
come party with us
DUTCHMAN’S CREW: [ominous silence]
DALAND’S CREW: lmao losers
[the sea starts to rise around the DUTCHMAN’s ship but remains calm everywhere else. A dull blue flame flares up, a storm wind whistles as the DUTCHMAN’s crew comes to life]
DUTCHMAN’S CREW: somber captain go ashore just like you did seven years before!
seek out the fair maiden’s hand, and make her take your wedding band!
free us all from Satan’s curse lest we face horrors even worse!
STEERSMAN [looking up from the line he’s snorting]: wait
didn’t our captain just betrothe his daughter to their captain
[the DUTCHMAN’s ship pitches on waters underneath a stormcloud when literally the rest of the ocean is fine and calm]
STEERSMAN [bending back down]: eh
probably fine
ERIK: Senta don’t you remember when you told me you loved me
SENTA: mmm, sounds fake
DUTCHMAN: wait what
ERIK: we have a history
DUTCHMAN: oh sure I have an eternal curse
but let’s make this about you
DUTCHMAN: Senta
i’m like 800 years old
and you’re not ready for a relationship
SENTA: wanna bet
[SENTA ollies off the fjord]
ERIK: SENTA NO
SENTA: SENTA YES
SAILORS: hey, uh, did she just—
MARY: oh she totally just
DALAND: do we… do something?
MARY: i think we just watch
Tannhäuser (1845)
TANNHÄUSER [entering the Venusberg orgy]: what up fellow degenerates
VENUS: what’s wrong babe
TANNHÄUSER: when was the last time I heard church bells
VENUS: oh god
not this again
TANNHÄUSER: when was the last time I touched grass
VENUS: wow, okay
sorry for not having grass in my magical sex cave
VENUS: okay
let me get this straight
you want to leave literal paradise
and walk hundreds of miles
across all kinds of terrain
in all kinds of weather
just to get yelled at by the Pope
TANNHÄUSER: yeah
VENUS: incredible.
go.
have fun.
LANDGRAF: is it really you?
have you returned to the circle you forsook in arrogance?
TANNHÄUSER: i don't recall forsooking anything, actually
BITEROLF: you literally ran away
TANNHÄUSER: did i tho?
WALTHER: yes
that’s exactly what you did
TANNHÄUSER: hmm
well
memory is a funny thing
LANDGRAF: YOU SPENT AN ENTIRE CALENDAR YEAR IN VENUS’S MAGICAL SEX CAVE
TANNHÄUSER: hey
ELISABETH: “hey”?
you abandoned me
spent a year living in a magical orgy cave
and all I get is “hey”???
TANNHÄUSER: …
ELISABETH: …
TANNHÄUSER: sup?
ELISABETH: so you had a magical love grotto
a light-up waterfall
fauns and satyrs
and a 24/7 orgy
and you gave it all up just for me?
TANNHÄUSER: uh
yeah, sure
ELISABETH: aw babe
that’s so cute
TANNHÄUSER: so we’re cool?
ELISABETH: let’s fucking go
[WOLFRAM audibly weeps offstage]
ELISABETH: did you hear something
TANNHÄUSER: nope
TANNHÄUSER: so this singing contest
is it about sin and sensual delight
LANDGRAF: no
it’s about fathoming the true essence of love
chastity and honor and shit
TANNHÄUSER: wow
can’t wait to ruin this for everyone
WOLFRAM [singing]: look at all these amazing people
all of the men standing like trees, noble and upright
TANNHÄUSER [under his breath]: heheh, “up right”
WOLFRAM: and all the women
like a garden of flowers
pretty and maybe smart but mostly pretty
[TANNHÄUSER makes jerking-off motion]
WOLFRAM: but i turn my eyes to heaven
to follow one bright star
who stands like a tree in the heavens
if the heavens had trees
i can’t even sing about her
because that’s what love is
[TANNHÄUSER audibly slurps his wine]
WOLFRAM: it’s like
you don’t even want to ruin it with singing
you just want to kneel before it and pray
TANNHÄUSER: okay first of all: what
[TANNHÄUSER takes a massive bong rip]
TANNHÄUSER [singing]: thing about love is
if you don’t do anything with it
it’ll close up like a pierced ear
the whole fucking WORLD would end, man
[shocked silence from the audience]
TANNHÄUSER: love is a thirst trap
and i’m drinking from a fire hose
while she gives me the hawk tuah
and really spits on that thing
ELISABETH: [visibly rethinking her entire life]
TANNHÄUSER: and speaking of bodily fluids,
when i was living in Venus’s orgy cave—
LANDGRAF: okay you’re done here
TANNHÄUSER: does that mean i won
[six months later, WOLFRAM and ELISABETH are watching the pilgrims return from Rome looking for Tannhäuser]
WOLFRAM: i don’t see what you see in him
he embarrassed you in front of the entire town
ELISABETH: yeah but
i just really feel like i could fix him?
WOLFRAM: twilight covers the land like a presentiment of death
the soul that yearns for the heavens must first pass through the night
o, you, my favorite evening star, how ardently i greet you—
ELISABETH: omg
will you stop with the fucking stars
TANNHÄUSER: how’s Elisabeth
WOLFRAM: uh… this is awkward
TANNHÄUSER: what
WOLFRAM: she’s dead
died praying for your soul
TANNHÄUSER: so what you’re telling me is
i walked all the way to Rome
got absolutely wrecked by the pope
walked all the way back
and now the one person who would have actually been nice to me
is dead
WOLFRAM: well
when you put it like that
PILGRIMS: hey uh
is this your walking stick
TANNHÄUSER: yeah
wait
why is it sprouting a philodendron
PILGRIMS: it’s a holy miracle
god must really like you
WOLFRAM [shouting at the sky]: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
Lohengrin (1850)
ORTUD: more like “blow-engrin”
HEINRICH: let me begin this opera by telling everyone
how Germany is under threat from people from the east
and how great in general the German Empire is
and how it’s on us to defend our honor from those dirty, filthy foreigners
AUDIENCE: this… is not going to age well
SWAN: [hisses in white nationalism]
TELRAMUND: where’s your brother elsa
ELSA [lighting a cigarette]: fuck if i know
probably turned into a swan
TELRAMUND: i’m not going to marry you if you don’t tell me where he is
ELSA: dude ew
you basically raised me after my dad died
why would i want to marry you
TELRAMUND: because your dad said i could
ELSA: did my dad also say you could gargle my balls
[TELRAMUND runs crying to KING HEINRICH]
TELRAMUND [between sobs]: and then…
the mean lady said… she didn’t want… to marry meeeeeee!
HEINRICH: so you want me to make her marry you?
TELRAMUND [stops crying]: oh no, I found someone else
i just want you to make her give me all her land
which i would have gotten after i killed her brother and forced her to marry me
HEINRICH: what
TELRAMUND: what
HEINRICH: elsa you are accused of killing your brother
and not letting this guy who is like four times your age forcibly marry you
how do you answer
ELSA: lawyer
HEINRICH: what
ELSA: i’m not saying shit without my lawyer
pig
[LOHENGRIN pulls up in a chariot pulled by a flock of angry swans]
LOHENGRIN: if you get bit
you must acquit
HEINRICH & TELRAMUND: what
[LOHENGRIN releases the swans who attack everyone except ELSA]
LOHENGRIN [spitting out swan feathers]: CASE CLOSED
LOHENGRIN: if you marry me
you have to promise never to ask my name, who i am, or where i’m from
ELSA: yeah okay
LOHENGRIN: are you sure?
you can never ask
ELSA: i really don’t care
TELRAMUND: ortud can we just go home
ORTUD: sure
as soon as i can suck down a poison that will kill us both
fuckin beta ass chad
TELRAMUND: you told me that you saw Elsa kill her brother
and that if we told the king he would give us all her land
and that if we got married we could have sex
and NONE OF THAT HAPPENED
ORTUD: yeah well
i now have no land and am married to the town pariah
so i guess we’re both having a bad day
[ORTUD pulls up next to ELSA on her skateboard]
ORTUD: heyyyyyy elsa
ELSA: what do u want, whore-tud
ORTUD: i was just wondering
why, if you’re the luckiest girl on earth now,
you can never know your husband-to-be’s name
do you think he has a secret family or something
ELSA: i don’t really care
ORTUD [skateboarding off]: mmm seems like you do
PRIEST: if anyone has any reason that these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace
ORTUD: I OBJECT
PRIEST: on what grounds
ORTUD: does she even know his name??
ELSA: it’s candice
ORTUD: …
candice…?
ELSA: Candice Dickfitinyourmouth
[after the bridal chorus]
ELSA: what an annoying wedding song
glad no one will ever have to hear it again
ELSA: okay but Ortud does kind of have a point
you could be anyone
like Banksy
or Jack the Ripper
LOHENGRIN: Elsa it’s our wedding night
can’t we just have sex in a swan boat?
ELSA: mmm… no
LOHENGRIN: Elsa I left literal paradise to marry you
and now we’re both stuck in fucking Brabant
ELSA [lighting a match off of one of the swans]: my guy i don’t want to be here either
LOHENGRIN: good people of Brabant,
I have two things to say
[LOHENGRIN throws down TELRAMUND’s corpse]
LOHENGRIN: first of all
I killed Telramund
TOWNSPEOPLE: [GASP]
ORTUD [not looking up from her phone]: oh no
not Teletubby
TOWNSPEOPLE: but it’s okay we love you
LOHENGRIN: secondly,
my evil stupid wife asked me to tell her… MY NAME
TOWNSPEOPLE: WHAT THE FUCK ELSA
YOU ARE LITERALLY LADY HITLER
LOHENGRIN: so now you all know
my name is Lohengrin
I come from Montsalvat
where they keep the Holy Grail
my father Parsifal keeps watch over it
ELSA: so you’re literally a nepo baby
[LOHENGRIN’s swan returns]
LOHENGRIN: my swan is here
I must go
ORTUD: lol that’s not your swan
that’s Elsa’s brother
I just turned him into a swan
fucking idiot
[LOHENGRIN hands ELSA his horn, his ring, and his sword]
LOHENGRIN: okay give your brother this stuff
when he turns back into a human
the horn will help him if he’s in danger
the sword will bring him victory in battle
and the ring will remind him of me
ELSA: yeah
i ain’t doing any of that
[ELSA pushes LOHENGRIN off the swan and flies the fuck out of Brabant]
ELSA: happy for you tho
or sorry that it happened
"sorry for not having grass in my magical sex cave" is going to live in my brain rent free, as is "not Teletubby"
Love this!