Dirtbag Puccini
"more like nessun whore-ma"
Can anything on god’s green Internet ever match the naughty delights of Daniel Lavery’s Dirtbag series for The Toast? I seriously doubt it.
In the spirit of both having the occasional nice thing and good artists stealing, here is the first of what I hope can be a semi-occasional series of dirtbag music history.
FRIEND: hey, so i noticed
in your operas, all the women—
PUCCINI: [takes a long audible drag off his cigarette, does not make eye contact]
FRIEND: …die tragically?
PUCCINI: oh wow
do they
that’s crazy
FRIEND: really seems like a pattern
PUCCINI [texting mistress]: no idea what ur talking about
Tosca (1900)
LUIGI ILLICA: so she kills the villain, and then she—
PUCCINI: jumps off a building
GIUSEPPE GIACOSA: …she could also escape?
LUIGI ILLICA: to freedom?
PUCCINI: mmmmm, no
splat
GIACOSA: Giacomo
PUCCINI: splat.
TOSCA: who is that woman you’re painting
CAVARADOSSI: Mary Magdalene
TOSCA: the fuck it is
I’ve seen those eyes before
blue, just like Marchesa Attavanti
CAVARADOSSI [texting Angelotti]: no idea what ur talking about
[TOSCA draws two x-es over the eyes of the Magdalene]
there. fuckin black. just like mine.
SCARPIA: Tosca, you make me forget God!
TOSCA: fascist says what
SCARPIA: what
[SCARPIA is torturing CAVARADOSSI]
SCARPIA: WHERE IS ANGELOTTI
CAVARADOSSI: in Bofa
SCARPIA [checking a map]: where is Bofa
CAVARADOSSI: Bofa deez nutz
[CAVARADOSSI is still being tortured offstage]
TOSCA: Mario, let me talk to Scarpia
CAVARADOSSI: what do you even know
what could you even say
idiot
TOSCA [to Scarpia]: he’s in the garden
in the well
like fuckin Lassie
[CAVARADOSSI is sentenced to execution]
TOSCA [to Scarpia]: save him!
SCARPIA: me? no, that’s up to you!
TOSCA [grabbing a knife]: god
do I have to do fucking everything around here
TOSCA: i lived for art, i lived for love
never harmed a living creature
I brought flowers to the altars
and jewels to the madonna
So why are you repaying me thus, Lord?
SCARPIA: [makes jerking off motion]
TOSCA [stabbing Scarpia]: ARE YOU CHOKING ON YOUR OWN BLOOD
OR THE FACT THAT YOU WERE KILLED BY A WOMAN
FUCKO
LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M STABBING YOU
[SCARPIA dies. TOSCA places a candle at his head, lights a cigarette off it]
TOSCA: and to think
all of Rome trembled before him
[TOSCA draws a dick on SCARPIA’s face]
TOSCA: Mario, we’re free
i got us two tickets out of here
CAVARADOSSI: wait how
TOSCA:
CAVARADOSSI: how
TOSCA:
CAVARADOSSI: so they’re just going to pretend to shoot me, right
TOSCA: yeah just make it look convincing
[SOLDIERS shoot CAVARADOSSI]
CAVARADOSSI: hey babe these are real bullets
TOSCA [skateboarding off the roof]: now who’s the idiot
Madama Butterfly (1904)
PINKERTON: the thing is
getting married in Japan
it doesn’t count, right?
SHARPLESS: it… definitely counts
PINKERTON: nah it’s totally fine
SHARPLESS: she really loves you
this might literally kill her
PINKERTON [skateboarding away]: sorry didn’t hear you what
SHARPLESS: how old are you
BUTTERFLY: guess
SHARPLESS: ten
BUTTERFLY: the fuck
SHARPLESS: twenty
BUTTERFLY: fifteen!
already an old woman
that’s what Pinkerton told me
[SHARPLESS takes out his phone and starts to dial]
SHARPLESS: hello, Chris Hansen?
[BUTTERFLY undresses on their wedding night]
PINKERTON: to think that this little doll is my wife…
PINKERTON [Borat voice]: “my wife!”
BUTTERFLY: i love you
PINKERTON: haha, cool
BUTTERFLY: i gave up my whole family for you
PINKERTON: whoah
BUTTERFLY: when will you be back?
PINKERTON: uh
idk
when the robin builds its nest again
BUTTERFLY: wtf
PINKERTON: gotta go
lots of boat stuff to do
toot toot
[SUZUKI is praying]
BUTTERFLY: the Japanese gods are fat and lazy
bet the American god is much better
SUZUKI: girl
have you ever met an American
[PINKERTON returns to their house after three years]
SUZUKI: i’ll go wake Butterfly
she waited up all night for you
PINKERTON: no wait
SUZUKI: she decorated the whole house
PINKERTON: this is terrible
SUZUKI: you can finally meet your son
PINKERTON: my what
SUZUKI: wait
who is that woman in the garden
PINKERTON [sad Borat voice]: my wife
KATE PINKERTON: heyyy so
i’m his actual wife
and he… uh…
wants
your kid
BUTTERFLY: why are you asking me this
where is he?
[KATE nods offstage and makes a jerking-off motion]
[BUTTERFLY sets down her son on a mat, giving him an American flag in one hand and a doll in the other hand before blindfolding him]
PINKERTON: what are you doing
BUTTERFLY [holding the dagger out in front of her stomach]: making an exit
La Bohème (1896)
RODOLFO: wow my new neighbor is so hot
MIMÌ: i am literally dying
RODOLFO: but like, in a hot way
SCHAUNARD [throwing a fistful of coins onto the floor]: the Bank of France has gone broke for you!
MARCELLO: how’d you get the money?
SCHAUNARD: an English lord hired me
said he needed me to keep playing until it killed his parrot
RODOLFO: so you did that?
SCHAUNARD: oh no
I just fed it some poison
and then fucked the guy’s maid
RODOLFO: who am I? I am a poet
and what do I do? I write
and how do I live? I live
MIMÌ: that’s nice
what do you do for money?
RODOLFO:
MIMÌ: like i work as a seamstress all day
that’s how I make money
RODOLFO:
MIMÌ: you… do make money, right?
RODOLFO: …my friend killed a bird
RODOLFO: that pink bonnet looks hot on you
I’ll buy it for you
MIMÌ: that’s a nice coral necklace
RODOLFO: JESUS CHRIST WHAT
AM I MADE OF MONEY
[MUSETTA enters]
MIMÌ: who is she
MARCELLO: first name: musetta
last name: slut
RODOLFO: if you ever act like her
I’ll never forgive you
MIMÌ: i literally just met you
like an hour ago
ALCINDORO: wait we just ordered two drinks
why is my bill so high
WAITER: the lady told us you would get her friends’ bill, too
ALCINDORO: those fuckboys who ordered half the restaurant?
WAITER: yeah…
you want me to wrap up the leftovers?
ALCINDORO: …yes
RODOLFO: Mimì is dying
MARCELLO: that really sucks
RODOLFO: she doesn’t know about it though
MARCELLO: wait what
you should talk to her
RODOLFO: nah
[RODOLFO starts putting on his rollerblades]
i’m just gonna break up with her
MARCELLO: no, for real
RODOLFO [rollerblading offstage]: can you do it for me actually?
tell her I said, “oops”
MIMÌ: let’s stay together through the winter
it’s easier to break up in spring
RODOLFO: plus you’ll probably be dead by then
MIMÌ: what
RODOLFO: what
[MUSETTA enters while the boys are wrestling]
MUSETTA: it’s Mimì! I can’t get her up the stai—
what’s going on here
MARCELLO/RODOLFO/SCHAUNARD/COLLINE: …nothingggg
MUSETTA: what do you guys have here
COLLINE: nothing
MARCELLO: only poverty
MUSETTA [mocking]: “only poverty”
jesus
MIMÌ: i’m so cold
if only i had a muff to warm my hands
RODOLFO: FFS I BOUGHT YOU A HAT ISN’T THAT ENOUGH
COLLINE: dear old coat, listen
you must be sold to be used for a greater cause
please accept my thanks
for never did you bow–
MUSETTA: hey so
Mimì’s about to die
can you just sell your coat and navelgaze later
COLLINE: how is she?
RODOLFO: look at her
she’s sleeping
so peaceful
[MARCELLO, SCHAUNARD, and COLLINE exchange looks]
RODOLFO: what
why are you looking at me like that
MARCELLO [drawing a dick on Mimì’s face]: i think you know why
Manon Lescaut (1893)
MANON: my stupid parents are forcing me into a stupid convent
DES GRIEUX: run away with me instead!
MANON: will you buy me stuff
DES GRIEUX: i…
MANON: do you have money
DES GRIEUX: no??
[MANON ollies over his head]
MANON: babe I got arrested
DES GRIEUX: what for
MANON: being too hot
DES GRIEUX: i’m breaking you out
MANON: where are we going?
DES GRIEUX:
MANON:
DES GRIEUX: the desert?
MANON: you absolute fucking moron
DES GRIEUX: you can’t take Manon from me!
let me join her!
CAPTAIN: ah, so you want to populate America young man?
DES GRIEUX: populate
what do you mean
[THE CAPTAIN makes a jerking off motion]
MANON: listen
i’ll rest here
you go on ahead and look for shelter or something
and then come back here with good news
DES GRIEUX: i don’t want to leave you
MANON: just go
[DES GRIEUX exits]
MANON: alone, lost, abandoned
in this desolate land!
DES GRIEUX [from offstage]: you literally just told me to go!
MANON [dying]: my faults will be forgotten
but my love will never die
DES GRIEUX [drawing a dick on her face]: uh, yeah, sure
Gianni Schicchi (1918)
LAURETTA: omg daddy
i love him, he is handsome
i want to go to Porta Rossa
and get an engagement ring
AUDIENCE: awwww
LAURETTA: and if you say no
i’ll drown myself in the Arno
AUDIENCE: wait what
LAURETTA: stg i’ll do it
RINUCCIO: that’s so metal
Turandot (1926)
CALÀF: wow she’s so hot
PEOPLE OF BEIJING: she also murders literally every man who tries to marry her
CALÀF: hot
PEOPLE OF BEIJING: no
like
actually murders them
CALÀF: bet
TIMUR: i thought i would die
CALÀF: oh no
TIMUR: but then i heard a voice say to me
“come with me, i’ll be your guide”
it was Liù!
CALÀF: why tho
LIÙ: because one day
when i was still a slave at the palace
you smiled at me
CALÀF: uh…
i’m kind of seeing someone
TURANDOT: answer three riddles and i’ll marry you
CALÀF: okay
TURANDOT: but if you get any of them wrong, i’ll chop off your head
and stick it on a pike
right outside the city walls
CALÀF: metal
let’s goooo
TURANDOT: you… got them all right??
CALÀF: yep
let’s do this thing
TURANDOT: ugh
CALÀF: tell you what
if you can figure out my name by morning
you can still kill me
TURANDOT: you are literally the dumbest man alive
CALÀF: you’re into it though
[LIÙ skateboards through the palace while everyone is staying up all night trying to figure out the CALÀF’s name]
LIÙ: more like “nessun whore-ma”
TURANDOT: you know the prince’s name!
tell me who he is
right now
LIÙ: no
TURANDOT: tell me
or i’ll torture you
LIÙ: those are my two options?
TURANDOT: yes
[LIÙ yeets from the palace roof, flipping off CALÀF and TURANDOT on the way down]
#inspired
Total lolz