Dirtbag Mozart
"Count Almaviva deez nuts"
Previously in Dirtbag Music History: Winterreise. All due conceptual credit to Daniel M. Lavery and The Toast (rip).
Le nozze di Figaro (1786)
MOZART: okay, overture time
gonna write it in D
DA PONTE: why D?
MOZART: [pokes one index finger through the circle made by his other thumb and index finger over and over while wiggling his eyebrows at DA PONTE]
SUSANNA: your boss wants to sleep with me
FIGARO: impossible
the count is a man of honor
SUSANNA: he literally planned out our future bedroom
so he could sprint here faster
FIGARO: welp.
class warfare it is then.
MARCELLINA: more like Figar-ho
SUSANNA: spinster says what
MARCELLINA: what
CHERUBINO: women are so beautiful
and cruel
and mysterious
every time one talks to me?
I literally burst into flames
SUSANNA: you’re 14.
calm down.
CHERUBINO: i have written 430 poems about your elbow
MARCELLINA: fuck susanna
i’m going to marry Figaro today
BARTOLO: isn’t he like 30 years younger than you
MARCELLINA: and?
BARTOLO: no that’s all
just checking
SUSANNA: [sees the COUNT across the courtyard]
COUNT: [pokes one index finger through the circle made by his other thumb and index finger over and over while wiggling his eyebrows at SUSANNA]
COUNT: why is there a man hiding in this room
SUSANNA: there’s no man hiding in this room
[CHERUBINO falls out of the closet]
COUNT: then explain THIS
SUSANNA: that’s… a decorative teenager
COUNT: finally
i get to punish this little creep
CHERUBINO: before you do
just remember
i heard literally everything you said to Susanna
COUNT: uh
CHERUBINO: and i LOVE gossip
COUNT: uhhhhh
PEASANTS: [suddenly appear]
COUNT: why are there peasants here
FIGARO: surprise labor optics
PEASANTS: long live the count
who nobly renounces the ancient feudal right
to sleep with women before their husbands do
COUNT: sorry what
FIGARO [smiling too hard]: go ahead
tell them they’re wrong
COUNT [through clenched teeth]: okay, i… forgive you
CHERUBINO: wow really
COUNT: absolutely
CHERUBINO: aw thanks man
COUNT: which is why i’m immediately shipping you to military service
CHERUBINO: wait what
COUNT: enjoy war, virgin
CHERUBINO: Susanna, before I go
take this ribbon
which I stole from the countess’s room
and have been smelling constantly ever since
SUSANNA: jesus christ
COUNTESS: my husband no longer loves me
MOZART ORCHESTRA: :) :( :) :( :)
FIGARO: your husband’s one weakness
is that he desperately wants to fuck every female in the tri-state area
COUNTESS: that’s not his only weakness
FIGARO: true
but it’s the exploitable one
COUNTESS: so what’s the plan
FIGARO: we disguise Cherubino as a woman
invite the count to a secret rendezvous
and then secretly humiliate him
COUNTESS: that sounds insane
SUSANNA: i’m listening
SUSANNA: sing the song you wrote
CHERUBINO: 100% no
SUSANNA: coward
CHERUBINO: okay but if i die from embarrassment
you both go to jail
COUNT [locking every door]: nobody leaves this room
CHERUBINO: understandable
have a nice day
[CHERUBINO immediately jumps out the window]
COUNT: there was a MAN IN THE ROOM
COUNTESS: wow.
SUSANNA: crazy.
COUNTESS: sounds paranoid.
COUNT: then explain the anonymous letter
SUSANNA: Figaro wrote it
COUNT: WHAT
FIGARO [offstage somewhere]: ride or die babyyyyyyy
ANTONIO: hey so
someone just fell out the fucking window???
COUNT: describe him
ANTONIO: twink-shaped.
FIGARO: right
that was me
SUSANNA & COUNTESS: [staring at him]
FIGARO: i love jumping out of windows
ANTONIO: i still think someone jumped out the window
EVERYONE: okay drunky
ANTONIO: i’m literally the only sane person here
MARCELLINA: hey, so: new lawsuit
Figaro can’t marry Susanna
bc he promised to marry me
FIGARO: counterpoint
I can’t marry anyone without my parents’ permission
and I was stolen from them when I was just a baby
MARCELLINA:
BARTOLO:
FIGARO: why are you looking at me like that
SUSANNA: so let me get this straight
SUSANNA: five minutes ago Marcellina was trying to force Figaro to marry her
SUSANNA: and now she’s his mother
DA PONTE [taking a massive bong rip]: crazy isn’t it
PEASANT GIRLS: long live the countess :)
CHERUBINO [disguised as a girl]: hello yes
i am definitely a woman
COUNTESS: Cherubino your voice is still exactly the same
CHERUBINO: women can have voices.
SUSANNA: technically true.
ANTONIO: SEE????
I TOLD YOU
THE TWINK WAS STILL HERE
COUNT: i am sending this hormonal gremlin directly to the frontline
BARBARINA: but you said i could marry him
COUNT: what
BARBARINA: you said you’d give me anything i wanted
if i did that thing with my finger
COUNT: …
COUNTESS: :)
SUSANNA: :)
FIGARO: :)
ANTONIO: hold on WHAT thing
COUNT: my marriage is in ruins
my authority is collapsing
my servants are unionizing
a teenager keeps appearing in womenswear
and i’m being sued from multiple directions
COUNT: surely things cannot get worse
MOZART: ACT FOUR, BITCH
FIGARO: if you want to control women
you must study them carefully
WOMEN OF THE OPERA: [running circles around him for four straight hours]
COUNT: how dare you deceive me!!
EVERYONE IN THE OPERA: dude
you literally spent the entire opera trying to cheat on your wife
COUNT: yes but
this is different
because it happened to ME
COUNT [kneeling]: countess forgive me
COUNTESS: for which thing specifically
COUNT: fair question
Don Giovanni (1787)
MOZART: time for another overture
let’s go with D
DA PONTE: again??
MOZART: [pokes one index finger through the circle made by his other thumb and index finger over and over while wiggling his eyebrows at DA PONTE]
LEPORELLO: all i wanted was a stable job
some dental coverage
maybe light embezzlement
LEPORELLO: instead I’m standing outside at 2 a.m.
while my boss speedruns felony charges
COMMENDATORE: [dies dramatically]
DON GIOVANNI: oops.
LEPORELLO: “oops”??
you just stabbed a nobleman to death
DON GIOVANNI: okay but in fairness to me
he was being super intense
LEPORELLO [looking at the COMMENDATORE’s corpse]: welp.
that’s gonna become a B plot somehow.
DONNA ELVIRA [riding into Seville on a Mad Max truck]: where the fuck is that villain who betrayed me
DON GIOVANNI: haha omg hi
LEPORELLO: so here’s the thing
you’re not the first
or the last
LEPORELLO: in Italy, he’s had 640 women
in Germany, 231
France, 100, Türkiye 91, and in Spain… 1,003
ELVIRA: why are these numbers so specific
LEPORELLO: i use google sheets
MASETTO: no, i get it
you want me to leave so you can seduce my fiancée
DON GIOVANNI: wow okay
paranoid much?
ZERLINA: yeah, i mean, he’s literally a nobleman??
MASETTO: and i’m literally about to become a homicide statistic
DON GIOVANNI: there we shall entwine our hands
ZERLINA: my brother in christ
if you want to have sex, just say that
i don’t need to fuck around with a whole-ass duet before getting dicked down
DONNA ELVIRA [bursting in]: GIRL RUN
ZERLINA: jesus christ
DONNA ELVIRA: this man ruins lives recreationally
DON GIOVANNI: Elvira babe
you’re making it weird
DONNA ANNA: oh perfect, Don Giovanni
we need your help
a terrible villain murdered my father
DON GIOVANNI: oh that’s weird
hate when that happens
DONNA ANNA: and he assaulted me in the middle of the night!
DON GIOVANNI: wow
he sounds awful
LEPORELLO: [stares directly into the camera like Jim from The Office]
DONNA ANNA: ottavio
that’s him
DON OTTAVIO: who
DONNA ANNA: D. B. Cooper
who the fuck do you think
DON OTTAVIO: wait
are you saying that the handsome rich nobleman killed your father?
DONNA ANNA: i recognized his voice
and his aura is a mess
so you gonna swear vengeance on him or what
DON OTTAVIO: but he doesn’t seem like the type
DONNA ANNA: jfc
do i have to do fucking everything myself???
LEPORELLO: so bad news
Elvira ruined the peasant seduction
and Masetto is jealous
and I’m pretty sure Anna knows you killed her father
DON GIOVANNI: excellent.
invite everyone to a party.
LEPORELLO: why
DON GIOVANNI: if enough people are drunk morality becomes theoretical
DON GIOVANNI: i want this house so full of drunk peasants
that god himself couldn’t identify the crimes scene-by-scene
MASETTO: so to sum up
a rich serial seducer separated you from me
invited you to his castle
held your hand romantically
and sang a duet about getting married and running away together
ZERLINA: well when you say it like that, it sounds bad
ZERLINA: HELP
[record scratch]
DON GIOVANNI [dragging in Leporello]: here’s the culprit!
LEPORELLO: EXCUSE ME???
DON GIOVANNI: my servant attempted villainy
LEPORELLO: you literally handed me the villainy five seconds ago
DON GIOVANNI: okay new plan
i’m going to dress as you
LEPORELLO: insulting already
DON GIOVANNI: you’re going to dress as me
LEPORELLO: terrifying already
DON GIOVANNI: and then we’re gonna psychologically torment Donna Elvira
LEPORELLO: so… a team-building exercise.
DON GIOVANNI: hey girl
u like mandolin
DONNA ELVIRA’S MAID: aren’t you like literally in the middle of another woman’s emotional breakdown
DON GIOVANNI: multitasking :)
[MASETTO enters with a pitchfork and torch]
MASETTO: WHERE’S DON GIOVANNI
DON GIOVANNI [in disguise]: omg guys
same
fuck that dude
MASETTO: you hate him too?
DON GIOVANNI: so much.
huge asshole.
always seducing people.
MASETTO [dying in a ditch]: ahhhhhhhh
ZERLINA: babe what’s wrong
MASETTO: your side piece jumped me
ZERLINA: oh no
you want some magic horny peasant medicine?
MASETTO: pretty sure i’m concussed
but yes
DONNA ELVIRA: don’t hurt him! he’s my husband!
EVERYONE: WHY
LEPORELLO [revealing identity]: actually…
EVERYONE: god DAMNIT
ZERLINA: i’m gonna tie you to a chair and slit your throat
LEPORELLO: with those lovely little hands?
ZERLINA [pulling out a taser]: babe
i grew up on a farm
DON GIOVANNI: [drawing a dick on the statue of the COMMENDATORE]
LEPORELLO: hey
isn’t it weird that this dude died, like, 12 hours ago
and there’s already a statue?
DON GIOVANNI: i’m a little busy right now
[at dinner, the musicians play tunes from FIGARO]
DON GIOVANNI: haha
remember that opera about servants humiliating aristocrats
LEPORELLO: this feels like subtle foreshadowing
COMMENDATORE [entering]: DON GIOVANNI
DON GIOVANNI: ah fuck
the marble is talking
COMMENDATORE: REPENT
DON GIOVANNI: no
COMMENDATORE: REPENT
DON GIOVANNI: honestly at this point
it would feel out of character
ZERLINA [standing over GIOVANNI’s corpse]: i mean
you have to admire how hard he committed to “fuck around and find out”
Così fan tutte (1790)
DA PONTE: let me guess
another overture in D
MOZART: nah
thinking C major this time
DA PONTE: growth
MOZART [poking one index finger through the circle made by his other thumb and index finger over and over while wiggling his eyebrows]: psychologically it’s still in D though
DON ALFONSO: okay here’s the plan
you pretend to go to war
GUGLIELMO: reasonable
DON ALFONSO: then you come back in disguise
FERRANDO: less reasonable
DON ALFONSO: and each of you seduces the other guy’s girlfriend
FERRANDO: …
GUGLIELMO: …
DON ALFONSO: science :)
FERRANDO: what disguises are we using
DON ALFONSO: i dunno.
moustaches probably
FIORDILIGI [staring at a photo of Guglielmo]: omg dear sister
have you ever seen someone so hot
like this photo?
making me pregnant
DORABELLA [staring at a photo of Ferrando]: this one is both soldier and lover
stg he’s about to marry me
[DESPINA walks by, making the jerking-off motion]
DON ALFONSO: ladies.
terrible news.
FIORDILIGI: what happened
DON ALFONSO: the military remembered italy exists
DORABELLA: what
[GUGLIELMO and FERRANDO ride past the girls on their dirtbikes]
GUGLIELMO: sorry! off to war!
FERRANDO: love you!
GUGLIELMO: can one of you do my laundry
while i’m gone
SOAVE SIA IL VENTO: [happens]
AUDIENCE: wow
human civilization was worth inventing actually
DON ALFONSO: okay
time to psychologically destroy four young people for sport
FIORDILIGI: Despinaaaaaaaaaaaa
FIORDILIGI: i need poison
DORABELLA: give me a dagger
FIORDILIGI: we’re going to kill ourselves
DESPINA [deadpan]: what
no
don’t do that
what would this world do without the two of you
standing around being sad in expensive dresses
DON ALFONSO: i need your help
DESPINA: that sounds like a you problem
[DON ALFONSO holds up a bag of coins]
DESPINA: well if it isn’t my old friend capitalism
DON ALFONSO: and what if i told you
you could earn even more
DESPINA: this sounds like a pyramid scheme
DON ALFONSO: no, just some simple gaslighting
and emotional blackmail
and manipulation
DESPINA: oh, okay
i’m in
DON ALFONSO: good news, ladies
i found you two new exotic boyfriends
from *Albania*
FIORDILIGI: those are literally our boyfriends wearing moustaches
DON ALFONSO: racist of you to say all men with moustaches look alike
FIORDILIGI: my love for my fiancé is as solid as a rock
[slams on a table that immediately collapses]
DON ALFONSO: subtle foreshadowing
DESPINA: girls. girls.
DESPINA: you are both way too pretty for this level of melodrama
[DESPINA enters carrying like six things]
DON ALFONSO: where are your mistresses
DESPINA: in the garden
DON ALFONSO: and what are they doing
DESPINA: same thing they’re always doing.
crying.
And probably getting annihilated by mosquitoes.
DON ALFONSO: i have a lot of money riding on this
what do you think will happen
DESPINA: eventually they’ll dehydrate
FERRANDO & GUGLIELMO [offstage]: let us dieeeeeee
DON ALFONSO [offstage]: wait! don’t die!
FIORDILIGI: what the fuck is happening
[FERRANDO and GUGLIELMO enter carrying bottles]
FERRANDO: goodbye forever
GUGLIELMO: look what you’ve made us do
[they collapse on the grass]
DORABELLA [drawing a dick on FERRANDO’s face]: my dudes I literally could not care less.
FIORDILIGI: you know
when they’re unconscious?
DORABELLA: right?
not half bad.
DESPINA [as the doctor]: I have the cure
FIORDILIGI: is that a magnet
DESPINA [as the doctor]: yes
magnets can cure basically whatever
DON ALFONSO: science is amazing
DORABELLA: wait
Are we… are we MAHA??
DESPINA: you know girls
by the time you’re 15
you should know how to drive men crazy
FIORDILIGI: okay for real though
did you grow up in a cult
DORABELLA: okay but
Despina does kind of have a point
DORABELLA: like
when are we ever gonna have another chance to meet *Albanians*
FIORDILIGI: oh my god have you joined Despina’s sex cult
GUGLIELMO: dorabella I have something for you
GUGLIELMO: it’s a necklace
DORABELLA: aw
GUGLIELMO: it represents my eternal devotion
DORABELLA: aw
GUGLIELMO: also i stole it from a souvenir shop
DORABELLA: aw.
GUGLIELMO: so you’ll take it?
DORABELLA: obviously
FIORDILIGI: do NOT take the Albanian necklace
DORABELLA: it’s literally from a gas station
DESPINA: morally speaking
gas stations are the modern Venice
FERRANDO: dorabella would never betray me
GUGLIELMO: i don’t know about that, man
she said my moustache is “emotionally accessible”
FERRANDO: that’s not a thing
GUGLIELMO: it is now
FIORDILIGI: this is insane
i’m just going to go to the war too
DORABELLA: what
FIORDILIGI: Ferrando’s uniform will fit me better
he’s smaller
FERRANDO: that’s not—
FIORDILIGI: Dorabella can take Guglielmo’s
DORABELLA: wait wait wait
If you want to go, fine
but I’m not agreeing to do tailoring
DORABELLA: hey so
How good is the Albanian passport
GUGLIELMO: good not great
DORABELLA: eh, fuck it, let’s get married
FERRANDO: how are you doing
FIORDILIGI: how do you think
FERRANDO: yeah. Same.
FERRANDO: wanna stand in the garden and cry together?
FERRANDO: or we could get married, i dunno
FIORDILIGI: okay.
FERRANDO: wait is that okay to crying or okay to getting married
FIORDILIGI: i guess both?
DESPINA: so what should the wedding theme be
DORABELLA: i don’t care
FIORDILIGI: me either
GUGLIELMO: how about Jonestown?
DESPINA [as a notary]: i now pronounce you husbands and wives
CHORUS [offstage]: war is oooooover
if you waaaaaant it
DORABELLA: what’s that?
DESPINA [reentering as Despina]: hey brides, so, one small thing
the war is over and your boyfriends are home
DORABELLA:
FIORDILIGI:
DESPINA: should I try to squeeze them in at the singles’ table?
GUGLIELMO: we’re back from army!
FERRANDO: i got a seal for marksmanship!
GUGLIELMO: did somebody do my laundry?
[they see DORABELLA and FIORDILIGI in wedding dresses]
GUGLIELMO: oh shit is it laundry day for you two as well?
FIORDILIGI: wait
Something feels… off
DORABELLA: is it the emotional whiplash
or the fact that we’ve been making life-altering decisions every 12 minutes
DESPINA: both, but one of those is your personality
FIORDILIGI: so let me get this straight
FIORDILIGI: you pretended to leave
FIORDILIGI: came back in disguise
FIORDILIGI: tried to seduce us
FIORDILIGI: while we were grieving you
FIORDILIGI: as an experiment
FERRANDO: when you say it like that—
FIORDILIGI: I am saying it like that on purpose
DORABELLA: okay but like
DORABELLA: I did kind of fall for it
FIORDILIGI: WHAT
DORABELLA: he gave me a necklace
DORABELLA: and he listened to me talk about my feelings for once in my life
GUGLIELMO: i can do it again!
DORABELLA: don’t make it weird
DESPINA: I would like to note for the record
DESPINA: I was the only competent person here
DON ALFONSO: incorrect, I was the mastermind
DESPINA: you were the guy with money and anxiety
DON ALFONSO: fair
DA PONTE: i think these three operas will be your true legacy
MOZART: that and the balls
DA PONTE: what
MOZART: yeah
buying a chocolate factory in Salzburg
to keep my memory alive
with balls
DA PONTE: sick