The Ultimate Classical Music Gift Guide for the Terminally Online and Historically-Burdened
Because we’ve all read too much music theory to be merry.
At this point there may be more gift guides than gifts themselves. And yet history lurches forward in spite of our better judgment. So here I am, writing either one more bit of grist to power the seasonal churn or a field-manual for navigating the liminal spaces between the Ghosts of Messiahs Past, Present, and Yet-to-Come.
Personally I’d like to think of each of these items — carefully-curated and tailored to each Jungian archetype on your Xmas List — less as sparkers of joy than interrogators of the material conditions of their own existence. But the holidays always get me sentimental.
xo
1. The Mahlerian Seasonal Depression Starter Pack™
Perfect for: The friend who romanticizes pain like a White House interior decorator with Home Depot moulding.
Contents include:
A Mahler hammer made out of SAD lamps
Box of tissues imprinted with “Ich bin in der Welt abhanden gekommen, babe.”
Coupon for one (1) emotional support contralto
Pair it with a vinyl box set of the “Resurrection” Symphony that weighs more than your Weltschmerz.
2. A set of noise-cancelling headphones tuned to block out all tenors named Brandon
Perfect for: The mezzo-soprano who deserves peace but chooses violence.
Because there’s always a tenor named Brandon, even if their legal name is not actually Brandon. He’s always “finding himself vocally.” He’s “really into crypto.” He’s made at least one “Nessun dorma” gym reel. He’s always singing “Recondita armonia” at 10am.
These headphones block only Brandon so that peace may return to your home.
3. Subscription to “Composer of the Month, But Problematic”
Perfect for: The sister who’s dated at least two men with PhDs in something useless like the ethnomusicology of moss and has a kink for disappointment.
Every month, they’ll receive one score by a composer whose biography they really shouldn’t read too closely, an accompanying themed beverage (Berlioz’s Absinthe Frozé, Puccini’s Girlboss Chianti), and a small card that simply reads: “We regret to inform you he was a man.”
4. The “I Survived a New Opera Workshop” merit badge set
Perfect for: The roommate who has heard “we’ll fix it in tech” one too many times.
Badges include: “Composer Sang It Wrong in the Demo,” “Navigated Five Rewrites of the Ending,” “Feedback Panel Survivor,” “Learned a Cut that Got Immediately Un-Cut.”
5. This Year, I Will Be a Better Person: A Handel’s Messiah Coloring Book
Perfect for: That one spiritually-unstable soprano.
Color in the melismas while whisper-crying “EV’RY VALLEY SHALL BE EXALTED” through gritted teeth.
Therapeutic? No.
Holy? Yes.
Ordained by forces operating far beyond our union-mandated break schedule? Also yes.
6. A tiny desk gong for whenever someone misuses the word “crescendo”
Perfect for: The cousin who is on one too many AMS subcommittees and has a day-job.
Bong.
“Incorrect.”
Bong.
“Still no.”
Bong.
“You can’t reach a crescendo, Brenda.”
7. Maria Callas Was Right About Everything shadow work journal
Perfect for: The spouse who has a list of wrongs to avenge by spring.
Maria Callas didn’t need a shadow work journal. She was the shadow — everyone around her just tried to hide it under one too many stage lights. This journal helps you tap into your own inner Divina with prompts like: “Name the ways you have given yourself an emotional tapeworm in order to fit someone else’s alter ego.”
8. “Conductors Aren’t Real” Jellycat set
Perfect for: The niece who’s just started conservatory.
Models include:
The Tyrant: Yells about downbeats; refuses to make eye contact with you.
The Cryptid: Appears only at rehearsals you skip.
The Thirst Trap: Everyone drools over their Instagram but they smell like rice cakes and fear.
The DFA Candidate: Just waves their arms and hopes for the best.
Collect them all. Snuggle with your trauma.
9. The Britten Seaside Trauma snow globe
Perfect for: The ex who is permanently an uncanny child protagonist in his own memory.
Give it a shake to watch as the snow (a tasteful blend of mica flakes and unresolved childhood anxieties) swirls around a tiny, windswept Suffolk beach where it is permanently 4:37pm and the tide is always “coming in strangely.”
Not included: Therapy.
Included: The sudden urge to pace the shoreline and contemplate the albatross of existence.
10. The Tchaikovsky anxiety candle
Perfect for: The coworker who emotionally lives in Act II of Eugene Onegin.
Smells like a nervous breakdown, velvet, snow, and that moment in Nutcracker where you realize the Prince has the emotional depth of a breadstick.
11. Lush’s “Shostakovich Panic Attack” bath bomb
Perfect for: You — because your cortisol levels have leitmotifs.
Bathe in both terror and transcendence in a single soak. Top notes of papirosa cigarettes, sweaty jazz, and existential dread. Heart notes of Pravda back issues, Stalin’s boot, and the Leningrad subway line in the middle of winter. Base notes of poisoned mushrooms and rhythmic delusion.
12. Performative Male Musicologist Starter Pack
Perfect for: The brother who insists that he means Fanny when he says “Mendelssohn” and Clara when he says “Schumann.”
Includes:
Extra-large copy of Feminine Endings
Vulva Voce tote bag
“Ask me about tonal repression” reusable coffee mug
Florence Price score-correcting supplies
Wired headphones permanently tuned to 432hz
A breathing pattern that he learned from Meredith Monk
T-shirt that says “Viriditas & Matcha”
13. “Opera Productions That Never Should Have Happened” 2026 Calendar
Perfect for: The manager who needs to keep track of your bookings and be reminded of what they put you through in previous seasons.
With 12 new photos for 2026, including Tristan und Isolde set in a WeWork, an all-Roomba production of Carmen, and Aida performed entirely by deepfake AI (oops…).
14. Bruckner devotional weighted blanket
Perfect for: The mom who is craving monastic despair after one too many Hallmark Christmas movies.
So heavy you cannot move. So reverent you cannot sleep.
15. La clemenza di Tito friendship bracelet kit
Perfect for: The best frenemy.
Each bead represents an act of forgiveness you should not be giving. Practice mercy, magnanimity, and enlightenment — but make it capitalism by trading them all like it’s the Eras Tour but for people who read Kierkegaard recreationally.
16. Sibelius 6.6.6
Perfect for: The composer who needs therapy, but will settle for notating their anxiety.
Sibelius 6.6.6 is not a notation platform. It’s a portal; a shrieking, haunted, liminal corridor inside your laptop, built to mirror the interior landscape of anyone who has ever said “I think I’ll just orchestrate for fun.”
Core features:
The Void Cursor™: Did you lose your place? Or did your place lose you?
The Feral Engraver: Randomly generates expression markings like “constipated,” “with spite,” or “as though running from your past.” Changes your font to Papyrus if you take too long to decide on a tempo marking.
The Existential Playback Engine: Plays your score in reverse, underwater, or as if performed by a four-part chorus of rabid raccoons.
Sibelius 6.6.6 also includes the first anti-procrastination subscription model: The longer you take to complete a project, the more features disappear (don’t worry, the Feral Engraver never disappears).
17. Alma Mahler Labubu
Perfect for: The friend whose love life consists entirely of artists and fuckboys.
Because Oskar Kokoschka’s fuzzy Alma Mahler sex doll was the original currency in the treat economy.
18. Fratres for Cats enrichment activity set
Perfect for: Your cat who understands minimalism.
A laser pointer that moves in slowly expanding concentric circles while the piece plays. The simplicity of the movement is accompanied by a set of strict rules for play that are as mathematical as they are poetic.
19. The Paganini Plague Doctor finger-lengthener
Perfect for: The violinist who said “I want longer fingers” and meant it biblically. Also people really into bouldering.
Adjustable! Torture-chic! Gives your hands the vibe of a late-Baroque Babadook who lives in the orchestra library and has absolutely consumed a human soul for technical facility.
20. Meredith Monk’s Book of Days, But Make it Daily Tasks 2026 planner
Perfect for: People who think Google Calendar is “too linear.”
Every page is a cryptic symbol, a single syllable, or a drawing of a medieval villager judging you from across space and time. You won’t get anything done, but will emerge at the end of the year profoundly altered, so win-win.
21. The “Anna Netrebko Accountability” Advent Calendar
Perfect for: The critic who has spent all year saying art is inherently political and who needs a little praxis as a treat.
Open each door to get a photo she wishes she hadn’t taken, a quote she wishes she hadn’t said, a melted chocolate PR statement, or a shattered candy apology.
22. The Susan McClary Semiotic Firestarter Tarot Deck
Perfect for: Everyone. Susan McClary is for everyone.
Every card is a theoretical dilemma. Every card makes bodies and ideology kiss like Barbies. Highlights include:
The Dominant: Looming, insistent, problematic.
The Sonata Form: A Hero’s Journey with intimacy issues.
The Tristan Chord: Reversed = sexual chaos. Upright = also sexual chaos.
The Feminine Cadence: Nuanced, underappreciated, misunderstood.
A perfect list, 10/10, no notes, I'll take one of everything